Want 18,000 sets of eyes on your brand? Sponsorship slots are still open for the rest of 2023. From only £400. And Here's what people will probably be saying about you...

Hiya Rose,

Straight in with the wordiness today…

I’m doing a bit of a walkthrough on a recent product description I wrote for British clockmakers Bramwell Brown. I’m taking you from brief to sign-off, so you can see the approach I took, the feedback I got from the client through four rounds of amends, and how the copy evolved to the final polished piece.

BUT FIRST, SOME BACKGROUND

Bramwell Brown wall clocks are big, hefty, chunky things, with mechanical animations that predict the weather or depict the rise and fall of your local tides.

All clocks are made by hand in their Hampshire workshop. They call them “heirloom clocks”, designed to be passed down through the family, rather than chucked out after a few years.

Just gorgeous...

THE BRIEF

Founder Rob said:“We want you to take our boring product descriptions and make them sing. Our product page copy is just too dull and functional. We want to get across to the customer the benefits and the feelings that they will enjoy when owning our clocks.”

He was right. The product descriptions felt flat and predictable. There was no real story to any of them, and they didn’t feel believable. They didn’t do the products justice.

Here’s the original description for the Weather Clock…

“Invest” felt cold and transactional. “Totally unique” was clichéd. “Oodles of attention” felt off. Listing the rooms wasn’t needed. And the “frame colours” killed any hope of a sweet, memorable ending that would make people think “I NEED THIS CLOCK IN MY LIFE”.

So I got cracking.

-------------------------------------------------------

THE RESEARCH STAGE

Existing copy…

I had a nose around the website, and noticed a few nice flashes of British charm, so asked Rob about the brand’s personality.

He said:“We try and really demonstrate a generally kind, sunny and happy outlook. And we’re occasionally cheeky once we’ve demonstrated our genuine qualities.” So I knew this tone needed to come through more in the product copy.

Audience info…

They’d just interviewed a load of customers, and used the responses to develop three personas. Straight from the customers’ mouths. Absolute gold. There were plenty of gems in there that I could use.

I had a look through 150+ product reviews too, taking note of any scenarios customers were describing – real life situations are where the real emotive stuff lies. I also noted any unusual phrases that people were using.

Getting hold of the clock itself…

I asked them to send me a weather clock. Because nothing beats getting to hold the thing you're writing about. And oh my god. The box alone was huge, and heavy. It felt expensive before I’d opened it.

When I did, I could immediately feel the quality. And feel the love and care that had gone into making it.

There was a big cardboard “hanging template” inside the box too, showing you how to measure out the drill spots on the wall. And right at the bottom, it said:

Reuse it! Keep this unusual piece of cardboard in the dressing-up box and make it into:

1. A pair of giant sunglasses
2. A fetching, if rather impractical, bow tie
3. A pair of medium-sized wings

It also makes a rather fine porthole cover, if you happen to own a porthole.

Porthole covers for the win. 😍

Onto the writing…

-------------------------------------------------------

DRAFT ONE

One of the customer personas was all about nostalgia, and how these clocks hark back to days before digital devices. And a few customer reviews spoke about “wholesomeness”. So I decided to lead with this. Taking people on a trip back to their childhood.

And having demoed the clock, I felt hypnotised when the mechanical cogs did their little burbling noise to change from sunny to cloudy. Literally couldn’t take my eyes off it. So I brought that in too.

The feedback…

“ 'Nostalgic' described only one of the personas, we also need to speak to people wanting to make their house a home, and those looking for something that nobody else has. And what if people didn’t have a happy childhood?

“The “Wi-fi fuelled bustle” jars with the other dreamier words. And the second paragraph, them buying the clock should be the remedy to the wi-fi fuelled bustle, so we need to get this across a bit clearer. It’s a bit too long as well.”

Sound. All valid points. And all easily sorted.

-------------------------------------------------------

DRAFT TWO

I shortened everything, made the opener a bit less personal, and brought “uniqueness” and “every guest will want one” into the fray to ramp up the perceived value.

I made the clock feel more of a remedy to the dazzling screens and shoddy flat pack furniture of today. And finally, I ended with a question to appeal to the homemakers. A bit of a cliché, but still on tone.

The feedback…

“I’m concerned that the current 2 paragraph route that we have gone down with you is perhaps a slightly errant direction. The “scene” and then the “punchline” paras, as you might call them, perhaps take the customer off in a direction that they’re not expecting.

“Can make it more compact and it gets to talking about the clock a bit sooner? So customers perhaps don’t think they’re reading something totally off-topic when they come to the product page?”

More ace feedback that helps me see even clearer where things need to go. Time for a bit of a rejig to dial it down to a single paragraph that’s a little less formulaic and which introduces the product much earlier – but still with a little storytelling included so the whimsy isn’t lost.

-------------------------------------------------------

DRAFT THREE

Definitely much closer with this one. I got it down to a single paragraph, and brought the product in from the off, without losing the nostalgic feel which sets the scene.

There’s some semi-alliteration with “Weather Clock Whirrs”, and the "fear not" British charm ending was the icing on the cake.

The feedback…

“We love “the Weather Clock whirrs”. But I’m half unsure about ‘splashing’ of colour. Wondering if there is another word there? “Whatever wall it calls home”, is a touch ‘throwaway’. Wonder something more along the lines of ‘wherever it is pride of place’… or the like? Last two sentences are absolutely ace – love it.”

Almost there. Just a couple of final tweaks needed. But I pushed back on the “pride of place?” suggestion. I knew there’s be something stronger, less expected.

-------------------------------------------------------

FOURTH AND FINAL DRAFT

Boom. We’ve made it. I killed the two bits that didn’t sit well in the third draft, with a single new line... “brightening your home even when rain’s on the way.”

The feedback…

“We’d love to go ahead with it, please. We think it’s great – really well done on it.

Smiles all round.

I wrote some cute bullet points further down the product page too but I won't bore you with them on here.

-------------------------------------------------------

AND FINALLY

I gave exactly the same brief to a chatbot, and here’s what it spat back…

“Experience the magic of our animated weather clock, a stunning design piece that adds personality and sophistication to any space. Be captivated by its unique charm and impress your guests with its functionality. Perfect for any room and available in multiple frame colors to match your style.”

Fucking shite.

Last few weeks on the socials

Just in case you missed it...

• There aren’t enough hours in the day anymore - So last week, I joined the 1.30am rise club!
• When the captivating Candice waltzed into my life and started asking questions, I accidentally revealed my plans for a much less elitist Olympic Games - But I don't think she quite shared my enthusiasm for change.
• Top plates. Low rates? - Surely Wetherspoons can do better
• Uncle Tony, one - Artificial Intelligence, nil
• Pretentious Gucci fashion waffle copy - Who writes this shit

Like them? Pay me, in Likes 💗 and Comments 💬 and Shares 🔃.

Hate them? I hope it rains where you are today. If only you had a clock that could stop you getting drenched.

Have a boss weekend

I'm joining Sophie Cross on the Liverpool leg of her coworking roadshow this coming Tuesday 9th May, and there's one ticket still available if you live nearby and fancy joining us? Here are the deets.

Dave

P.S. Think anyone you know might like my emails? Tell them to sign up here.

P.P.S. Every year, the very sound people at The Copywriter Club do a salary guide for copywriters, content writers, editors, and proofreaders. If you fall into that bracket, please take like 5 minutes max to complete the 2023 survey. If you’re too busy for the survey but too nosey not to look at last year’s guide, here it is. And if you want to hear me speak to Kira and Rob about developing the big idea, finding your voice, attracting new clients and loads of other fun copywritey stuff, have a listen to the podcast. Oh I also get bleeped for swearing 😍